Tuesday, March 25, 2008


Our family celebrates and rejoices in SPRING. EeeeeeeeeeEASTER......Meh.

“Holidays” have become so tired anymore. Especially when you don’t adhere to any particular religious doctrine. Easter-another capitalistic bull-shit holiday. Easter-the epitome of obnoxious. The time of year when i could just PUKE pastels. I’ve decided that for next year I’m gonna get all Martha Stewarty and make my own damn chocolate bunnies.

Shopping for Easter basket paraphernalia and the obligatory chocolate bunny at our local Big-Box Mart proved to be a surreal experience. I passed, unenthused, through aisle upon aisle of chintzy stuffed chicks and lambs, fussy foo-foo dresses, pastel schmunskies, and then on to the Isle of Chocolate Bunny Rabbit Sarcophagi . By the time I was halfway down the aisle I was wholly freaked. Repugnant rabbits! The eyes, oh those Blue and yellow EYES! Who’s the miscreant who decided on sticking candy eyes on the bunnies?!? Manic and Marty Feldmannesque! Those ocular orbits were on the verge of exploding forth from their cranial confection. They goggle all around in different directions like a chameleon’s! Those Psychedelic eyes… staring off at some other realm of existence. Those poor bastards must have eaten the brown acid… Chagrinned, I grabbed two of the least demented bunnies of the lot. "Parsnip Pete" to be exact. A kid’s gotta have a chocolate bunny in their Spring Basket, right?

Upon receipt of her basket, my youngest one picked up and considered her Parsnip Pete for a moment… and promptly plucked off its eyes and ate them. “See! Now they’re friendly." She then asked her sister if she could “ have yoursez eyes?”

Nope. Next year no more carny prizes. Just meaningful things. Homemade bunnies. My husband is a former/eternal pastry chef for Christsakes. Milk chocolate for the 4 year old. White chocolate for the 13 year old. And one for my hubby made with a Mayan flare! Ancho and cayenne! Chipotle!
They will be ROCKIN’.

Friday, March 21, 2008


Just my hubby and old boyfriends, Ben and Jerry.

Stepped on the scale this morn. With a wet head, too! And (after 3.75 years) I have officially dropped the 40 pounds of baby weight! Not including weight lost in the first week after her birth: baby was a 10# butterball. Then there was the gargantuan placenta and an unnerving amount of fluid(all of it in my toes), 23#.
Slow and steady wins the race, man. The secret of weight loss, godammit once and for all, is eat less(6 small meals a day to rev up metabolism) and move more. Water, drink it. Get the heart rate up for a mere 30 min. everyday. Throw in some weight training 3x a week for added metabolism boost. Period. End of lesson.

Come hither, BOYS!!!!

Monday, March 10, 2008

Technology-a terrible wonderland


Friday, March 7, 2008

WTF?...I just puked a little in my mouth...

Now matter how shitty a day can get, how wretched I may feel, how white-washed I think the reflection in the mirror at 6am is, I can THANK the Jesus and all that is holy, that I’m not THIS broad:


Would ya look at this?

This is my brain not on drugs.

Ahh, these crazy dazy morns before the Adderall's on board. That weird semi-retarded limbo of grogginess between waking and eating breakfast. There’s about 2-3 hours there before I pop my 2 meds and the smarts kick back in. Breky has to come first though, or I feel vomity. So I continually play this tug-of-war of trying not to make these wacky mistakes while preparing or serving breakfast. How many times have I poured OJ into my tot’s cheerios?

“Mommyyyyyyy! I don’t liiiiiiiike that in my bowl!”

Maple syrup in my coffee? Given the sippy cup to my 12 year old? And now the Pièce de résistance , pouring the water for my oatmeal into the pan with my scrambled eggs. I gave it to the dog. He looked down at his bowl, head cocked a few seconds, pondering.

“A TREAT! TREAT! I gave ya a treat in your bowl! Eggies!”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Yeah, yeah, alright so it looks like hell. That’s not better than DRY kibble?!?! Just eat it.”

Tonight for dinner: Bitchin’ Burritos!. If I don’t forget to actually put them in the OVEN after pre-heating. 6PM, the flip side, Adderall has left the building .

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Muckin about on Craigslist!

2006 KIRBY vacuum- Kicks ass! - $1000
Hardly used KIRBY VACUUM for sale.

“EWWWWW!!!! Hardly used?!? How dirty must their house be?!”, you ask? Well, the Kirby worked wonders on our ole’ nasty pet/kid/drunk stepfather in law-maltreated carpets before we ripped them up and put in swell wood flooring. Now we don’t need Kirby, just a good old fashioned corn broom!

This illustrious “Diamond Edition” Kirby comes with the Shampooing System and lots-o-funky attachments in a glorious mountable holder! This thing will sand your woodwork, blow feral cats off your porch and massage your back at the end of the day- I shite you NOT! Sorry, this is not the model that serves hot wings an’ Schlitz, nurses your newborn or de-glacierifies your roof. But it WILL summon the power of Greystoke and suck every last bit of dust mite poo, pet hair, bit of dirt and dead skin and the ilk, out of your carpets, beds, pillows, rugs, Grandpa’s toupee and whatever. Just about! Breathe easier and enjoy relief from allergens ‘cause it’s got *MiCRoN*MaGiC* HEPA FILTRATION!



Swell cast-iron woodstove: 31ish"deep X H 37" X W 24".(did I just pull a Spinal Tap up there?! Supposed to be inches. Does this " denote inches, or this ' ?)Assuming we can even get it out of the house without knocking down a wall, this big behemoth would be perfect for a large lodge or your garage/workshop. You could also bury it and live in it, post-apocalypse. 'Tis overkill for our humble abode so please come and git it and help fund the downgrade to a smaller stove. ...Really needing to open up the feng shui flow in our living room. Namaste

P.S. Can't have obese cat